This article is being written primarily within the African context of marriage which has to be between an emotionally mature man who has come of age, who has his own accommodation, has the capacity to sort out his responsibilities and a woman who should be of age, who understands what it means to be married to a man with whom she would build her world.
In most African societies which Nigeria is one of, the choice of getting married to a woman lies largely with the man and a very small portion of that decision lies with the woman. A woman’s role in the entire marriage initiation sequence is largely that of making a choice of whether or not to commit to the man who is asking for her hand in marriage.
Knowing what to do with your romantic relationships as a bachelor.
Sometime in the year 2024, it dawned on me that I had spent some tangible time with my fiancée at the time and knowing that she was committed to doing the journey of life with me, one evening after sipping some cognac. I told myself that it was time to visit the parents of the Lady I was dating at the time and make my intentions known to them. No human on earth talked me into this decision, it was self-made after which I sought the buy in of my family which they readily offered.
This is because I already know that it would be sheer wickedness on my part to date a Lady in her late twenties with good character traits for more than a year and six months without a well spelt out assurance of committing to her.
A particular demography of women has always appealed to me when it comes to commitment and I have always known that, this particular demography is not the best set of women to play games with. This reality made it easy for me to make a choice of committing without pressure from either the Lady I was dating or my family. For any deliberate man who is sincere about being with a woman for life, a year and six months is a long time to see through her and what her values are.
The role of friends and family in convincing a mature man to marry.
As someone who loves my male friends so much and often wants the very best for them. I had always been of the opinion that once you have a job with which you can pay your bills, have an accommodation of yours and emotionally mature which all the men in my circle are, the next thing is to start off your own family while pursuing other very valid ambitions of yours. With the right partner, marriage cannot inhibit your growth in life or career.
These above stated convictions are the reasons why I go the extra miles to make sure that I call out my friends publicly who are eligible bachelors with the hope that such public engagements help to hasten their steps. Kindly ask me how many of my friends that such approach has ever hastened to get married?
Lately, I have reviewed that approach and I have come to certain conclusions.
No one can compel a deliberate man to settle down against their wish.
Irrespective of how you may want to look at it, the most you can do to a horse is to force a horse to a stream but never can you force it to drink from the stream.
Except for cases where the men in question are outrightly irresponsible, it is very difficult to force a man who is in control of their faculties to get married to any woman when they are not psychologically ready or disposed to take such decisions.
Lately it has dawned on me that the most you can do is to wish your friend well at most while passing great commentaries on any worthy Lady he introduces to you as a beloved female friend but going public with them in your bid to blackmail them into committing to any woman would always be counterproductive.
It is a man’s world largely and it is always upto the man to make a choice of whom and when to commit to anyone. The strategy of putting pressure on your male friends to marry is not the best of acts and we must do our best to not follow such paths.
Family units as our biggest assets.
One beautiful thing that we have going for us as Africans is how strongly knit our family units are. These bonds are so widely spread that it stretches beyond the extended families to friends of the couples and extended family friends in some cases.
This explains why marriage in Africa has to be something done deliberately and not a thing that anyone is rushed into in the form of subtle pressure.
While putting pressure on our loved ones (mature males) to marry is excellent, we must realize that some men love the freedom which not being committed to just a woman officially yet offers. Some mature men love being addressed in the public as eligible bachelors as this leaves them with an unending option of single desperate Ladies they can feast on as they manipulate them with their assumed need to settle down.
Then there are some set of men that genotype compatibility and physical looks are hindering from making a choice of whom to commit to. For the ones with very valid reasons, I wish them the very best but to those whose excuses are flimsy, there has to be a change in approach for them. Allow them, time would tell.
Finally, to that young man who is of age and has the capacity to settle down with a woman but has chosen not to do the needful. Mounting all forms of pressure on them to make the choice maynot be in the interest of the Lady that they may finally marry. Starting off your own family “timely” as a man from what I have seen over time is one of the best things that can happen to you and the choice to start or not depends solely on you.
It is my wish that you do your part today in the best interest of your friend whom you cannot wait to see him married but avoid the frictions that comes from stretched engagement on the topic. You would thank me later for letting you know that as a man, wishing to see your ally married is beautiful but it should not be a source of strain on your relationship.